My Plea to the Banking World

You control all the money. Surely you can spend just a wee bit more of that money as well. I beg of you to keep up with technology. There should not be a banker anywhere in the U.S. that is still using 600x800 screen resolution monitors.

An Open Letter To Those That Post The News In Cyberspace

I really care about how Britney Spears spent her Thanksgiving [even though I had to wait until three days later to find out]! I care about her getting pulled over for wreckless driving and endangerment of a child [because they were crawling back and forth over the front seat], as she was beating her two kids with half-eaten turkey drumsticks because they insisted on listening to Hanna Montana on the radio instead of retro nineties Spice Girls. I enjoy reading about Rosie O'Donnell starting up a soup kitchen just so she can serve tofuturkey shaped like George Bush. I really care about Michael Jackson inviting his plastic surgeon’s kids to his “Never Land” ranch for a Thanksgiving feast, never to be outdone.

It really touches me deeply. I get tired of the same old boring stories of “getting together with the family, sitting around the table, stuffing ourselves with turkey and all the fixins, enjoying each other’s company. Forget about how more than 200,000 US troops had to spend their Thanksgiving abroad. That’s not important. Keep the focus where it matters most. After all, using Hollywood’s measuring stick [how celebrities live their lives] has always left me feeling good about myself. It improves my self image. They are as constant as the North Star. I really don’t know how I could make it through my day without my daily dose of Spears. For this I applaud you all. Keep up the good work,

Yours truly and always devoted,

LH

[disclaimer: These stories may or may not be true (definately could be true), but there really was an article about how different celebs celebrated the holiday...Britney's name was at the top of the list]

My Date With WalMart

Last night I went on a date with WalMart. She was the one who initiated the date. Me of all people. I mean with her popularity and star like status, she picked me, a lonely, small, and insignificant guy that has never come close to being in the lime light. So, after work I decided to give it a whirl…good thing I was already dressed for the occasion.

I went to pick her up at her place. She had asked if I knew how to get there [and I’m thinking who doesn’t know how to get there? It’s like not being able to find Texas. It’s huge]. The moment I pulled into her driveway, I could see that she was already awaiting my arrival. Her door was wide open. I didn’t even have to knock. One of her servants [she has about a zillion of them] greeted me at the door and invited me to make myself at home.

To start the date off, she insisted that I let her own personal beautician cut my hair [who gets a hair cut on a date? But I consented. Afterall, it was practically a scalp massage!]. Besides, I could hardly refuse. I mean we are talking about WalMart. After my haircut she began to show me around.

So there we were, and all WalMart could do is talk about herself. She didn’t even compliment me on my new look. She told me all about her clothes [where they came from, who designed them, how much they costs]. She told me all about what she had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner [and everything in-between…you’d think she was part hobbit]. I must say that I was impressed with the amount of material goods she has stocked in her home. At first I tried to be polite and listen attentively. I tried to pretend that she only had eyes for me, but that WalMart-she’s a player! She was constantly checking out other potential suitors. I tried to bring this to her attention, but she told me to quit being jealous. “It’s not like we’re engaged yet or anything”. So I grabbed my things, told her if she couldn’t be courteous enough to show me some respect and individualized attention, then I was leaving. “Fine!” she said and even had the nerve to suggest that I would be back. That I couldn’t resist her allure.

By the end of the date, I had spent just a little less than $50 and on the way out, one of her servants essentially referred to me as “being a cheap date”. So I ask you, my readers: first,is $50 too little to spend on a date? [It’s not like this was Prom night or anything]. Secondly, is it immature of me to alter her picture like that? Lastly, would you go back if you were me?

Can You Hear Me Now?

Now that I am in Nebraska, I have run into a minor dilemma. My T-Mobile is not being very mobile. There is not any decent coverage anywhere around. T-Mobile doesn’t even have a store here in town. There are a zillion Verizon, Cellular One, Alltel, ATt&T,…, just no T-Mobile. I was more than happy with my carrier in Utah and in Lubbock. I am a consumer that is having a hard time consuming. Changing carriers is the easy solution. However, my situation cannot work with such a simple solution. The main reason we went with our current carrier is because my MIL beat us to the picking of the carrier. So when she went with T-Mobile, we had to go along for the ride as well due to the whole mobile to mobile thingy. So if we change carriers, we loose that mobile to mobile feature that we all enjoy. I’m pretty sure that the same situation was the whole reason why the Hatfields and the McCoys started feuding. They were drawn into the whole “which telegraph company was the best” If the telegraph companies would have just allowed the Hatfields and McCoys to take advantage of each other’s services, without extra surcharges, be one big happy family and not two disgruntled families carrying on generation after generation of hate and misgivings.

So my question for my faithful [and not so faithful] readers is: How can I overcome this problem and still get the same bang for my buck and make both parties happy?

Tick Tock the Game Is Locked, Nobody Else Can Play

It has always been a wonder to me that people can be so limited in their view or definition of "Christian". It is a small wonder that this topic was touched upon more than once with this last General Conference of the LDS Church. My reason for even posting about this stems from my drive home from work the other day. I was surfing the AM radio waves [old school] when my attention was caught by hearing an interview of a lady who had recently published something about how Mormons aren't Christians and don't be fooled into thinking they might be if you should happen to have a conversation with one...


This was the first time [that I can recall] since serving an LDS mission in Brazil, some thirteen years ago, that I have heard on the airwaves someone so actively seekeing to put down and destroy a single religion [I'm sure that this was not an isolated event in the US; it's just been a rare experience, personally speaking].

Let the winds howl, let the hand enter the waters of the Amazon, in an attempt to divert its course. Let her go buy some poster board, a marker, and a stick to protest near Temple Square at Conference time. I don't think I'll ever understand the psyche involved in why people go to such lengths [in the name of Christianity] to rant and rave like they do at the Mormons. I'm sure those who posses an ounce of wisdom, will always see errors in such rhetorical fallacies.

I figure that the majority of my readers this is "preaching to the choir", but nevertheless, I blog on., if for nothing else, but to capture a humorous moment of ignorance and bias of a woman exercising her freedom of speech...while I go on exercising my freedom of religion.




So be sure to read my new book, "10 Reasons Why You Should Never Invite a Baptist to Your BBQ".


Hurry, copies are going fast, faster than the stores can stalk the shelves, faster than FedEx can ship the books, faster than I can write the book. So grab your pen and be making that check out and I will personally guarantee an autographed copy before the ink even dries.

Can't we just all play together nicely on the beach?

The Lonely Road

Well folks, the inevitable did happen I drove across Kansas [and on into Nebraska]. So let me fill you in a few little known facts that I discovered along the way.
1. North Texas will soon have to place the skunk on the endangered species list. I counted nearly thirty dead skunks on the road.
2. Folks in west Kansas must eat the skunks before they make it to the road to become road kill.
3. Paul Bunyan played baseball. There is a giant immortalized steel baseball in western Kansas that has been converted into some sort of storage facility.
4. Map Quest is a free service and therfore can not be held accountable for errors in their directions.
5. Getting lost at night, in a rain storm, travling roads that are unfamiliar is not a good thing to do when you have alreadhy been on the road for 10 hours and have to start a new job at 8:00am the following morning.
6. Don't be fooled into thinking that just because a Comfort Inn was taken over by another roach, that the service is going to be any better.
7. I doubt Boot Hill really looks like a boot. I came this close [------------------------------------------------] to stopping to take a look for myself.
8. I now know why Banks charge all those hidden and less hidden and down right reach into your pocket and extract your money fees are needed.
9. If I think of any more, I'll try to post them as comments.

Change is in the Air

With autumn upon us, there are bound to be changes. One change that was not foreseen was Wendysue recruiting a Corn Husker.

Mid October, I will be the next new kid on the block, the greenie, the fresh face...

When my world stops being less topsy-turvy, I will let you know.