My Plea to the Banking World

You control all the money. Surely you can spend just a wee bit more of that money as well. I beg of you to keep up with technology. There should not be a banker anywhere in the U.S. that is still using 600x800 screen resolution monitors.

An Open Letter To Those That Post The News In Cyberspace

I really care about how Britney Spears spent her Thanksgiving [even though I had to wait until three days later to find out]! I care about her getting pulled over for wreckless driving and endangerment of a child [because they were crawling back and forth over the front seat], as she was beating her two kids with half-eaten turkey drumsticks because they insisted on listening to Hanna Montana on the radio instead of retro nineties Spice Girls. I enjoy reading about Rosie O'Donnell starting up a soup kitchen just so she can serve tofuturkey shaped like George Bush. I really care about Michael Jackson inviting his plastic surgeon’s kids to his “Never Land” ranch for a Thanksgiving feast, never to be outdone.

It really touches me deeply. I get tired of the same old boring stories of “getting together with the family, sitting around the table, stuffing ourselves with turkey and all the fixins, enjoying each other’s company. Forget about how more than 200,000 US troops had to spend their Thanksgiving abroad. That’s not important. Keep the focus where it matters most. After all, using Hollywood’s measuring stick [how celebrities live their lives] has always left me feeling good about myself. It improves my self image. They are as constant as the North Star. I really don’t know how I could make it through my day without my daily dose of Spears. For this I applaud you all. Keep up the good work,

Yours truly and always devoted,

LH

[disclaimer: These stories may or may not be true (definately could be true), but there really was an article about how different celebs celebrated the holiday...Britney's name was at the top of the list]

My Date With WalMart

Last night I went on a date with WalMart. She was the one who initiated the date. Me of all people. I mean with her popularity and star like status, she picked me, a lonely, small, and insignificant guy that has never come close to being in the lime light. So, after work I decided to give it a whirl…good thing I was already dressed for the occasion.

I went to pick her up at her place. She had asked if I knew how to get there [and I’m thinking who doesn’t know how to get there? It’s like not being able to find Texas. It’s huge]. The moment I pulled into her driveway, I could see that she was already awaiting my arrival. Her door was wide open. I didn’t even have to knock. One of her servants [she has about a zillion of them] greeted me at the door and invited me to make myself at home.

To start the date off, she insisted that I let her own personal beautician cut my hair [who gets a hair cut on a date? But I consented. Afterall, it was practically a scalp massage!]. Besides, I could hardly refuse. I mean we are talking about WalMart. After my haircut she began to show me around.

So there we were, and all WalMart could do is talk about herself. She didn’t even compliment me on my new look. She told me all about her clothes [where they came from, who designed them, how much they costs]. She told me all about what she had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner [and everything in-between…you’d think she was part hobbit]. I must say that I was impressed with the amount of material goods she has stocked in her home. At first I tried to be polite and listen attentively. I tried to pretend that she only had eyes for me, but that WalMart-she’s a player! She was constantly checking out other potential suitors. I tried to bring this to her attention, but she told me to quit being jealous. “It’s not like we’re engaged yet or anything”. So I grabbed my things, told her if she couldn’t be courteous enough to show me some respect and individualized attention, then I was leaving. “Fine!” she said and even had the nerve to suggest that I would be back. That I couldn’t resist her allure.

By the end of the date, I had spent just a little less than $50 and on the way out, one of her servants essentially referred to me as “being a cheap date”. So I ask you, my readers: first,is $50 too little to spend on a date? [It’s not like this was Prom night or anything]. Secondly, is it immature of me to alter her picture like that? Lastly, would you go back if you were me?

Can You Hear Me Now?

Now that I am in Nebraska, I have run into a minor dilemma. My T-Mobile is not being very mobile. There is not any decent coverage anywhere around. T-Mobile doesn’t even have a store here in town. There are a zillion Verizon, Cellular One, Alltel, ATt&T,…, just no T-Mobile. I was more than happy with my carrier in Utah and in Lubbock. I am a consumer that is having a hard time consuming. Changing carriers is the easy solution. However, my situation cannot work with such a simple solution. The main reason we went with our current carrier is because my MIL beat us to the picking of the carrier. So when she went with T-Mobile, we had to go along for the ride as well due to the whole mobile to mobile thingy. So if we change carriers, we loose that mobile to mobile feature that we all enjoy. I’m pretty sure that the same situation was the whole reason why the Hatfields and the McCoys started feuding. They were drawn into the whole “which telegraph company was the best” If the telegraph companies would have just allowed the Hatfields and McCoys to take advantage of each other’s services, without extra surcharges, be one big happy family and not two disgruntled families carrying on generation after generation of hate and misgivings.

So my question for my faithful [and not so faithful] readers is: How can I overcome this problem and still get the same bang for my buck and make both parties happy?